Lost...

In some sort of life, which is mine and yet feels strange and uncomfortable, perhaps even alien? I've been trying to avoid anything here, not because I have nothing to say, but simply because I don't feel ready to reveal it, which kind of defeats the purpose of the blog. Regardless today someone pointed it out to me, "you are cheating", which I am not, like I replied I borrowed other peoples words for my blog, I still meant to say them. If only it would be as simple as this, as rebating an argument, the game I so skillfully play with others and the thing is this game is starting to become me or it as always been me, who knows? Well I always thought I am the dude beyond it, the dude that is hard to reach but reachable, the dude that carefully studies the flaws of the people in the path, that creates the path towards having some sort of worthiness test for those who do reach him. Who should listen to my new CD, dark in the most beautiful way, and honestly I feel it deep inside, not that I feel beautiful in any way, complex yes, twisted perhaps, intelligent beyond a doubt, but beautiful... I wish I could say yes, but I don't see it... It’s like looking at the complexity which appears to me as simplicity regardless of the time I spend looking at it. Don't get me wrong I am not a idiot(at least not in all aspects) that can't see the complexity that others see, I just don't feel it, I see the complexity but feel simple, as I see the possibility of beauty and yet am far from feeling it.
When I was in Portugal I had a very interesting conversation with my mom, and guess what it was triggered by the CD, more specifically because of a song that I didn't include "ohh gente da minha terra", one of those songs that only a Portuguese could understand how deep it might touch, again perfect beauty of sadness...
The conversation was about me not being a happy person, or cheerful, I guess that is a word that would be better accepted, which my mom who is the amazing person that only sees the best in me, she actually responsible for most of it, couldn't understand or accept that fact. She has had a hard life, struggle a lot, definitely my hero, and she looks at my life with pride and says you have nothing but reasons to feel happy and cheerful. It was hard for me to explain how I feel without actually doing it, and still giving my mom my view without making her feel guilty as she would if she thought I was not happy. Quite the challenge which I managed, no surprise there, yet all of it made me think of my perspective of life, and more importantly the people that are the core of it. I play a key role in some peoples life’s and during this trip I saw how my actions can affect them, which reminds me about a side note that I wanted to write but didn't. I HATE WOMEN CRYING, fucking destroys me inside, and don't take this as a sign of weakness because I have learned to deal with it, and when it is required I can withstand it BUT I FUCKING HATE IT, honestly one of the worst things you can feel, specially if you are to blame in any way.
Going back to the point, I do feel lost somewhere, just need to figure out where so I can make sense of it, and my improvement is I am talking about it before I reached a conclusion, that is real progress... I am sure those who know me will subscribe to this self compliment :P
More seriously I am in a definition stage where I wish much, but plan to get little, again mind of feelings with the hope for more :P.
Since I mentioned it here is the song...



... that gives me the chills!