Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The right thing to say

The thought that there is always something you might say, and things will magically turn out the way you want them to, the idea that we can, that we master our fate (fado). I like to think I can, and sometimes like today I have the perfect sensation that I can't do squat, either for inability or simply because it can't be done.
This feeling is quite disarming, it affects even your judgment of what you can do, and should do. The thing on days like today is why would I even try doing anything, I mean think about you can see you can't do anything, should you still try? If you are honest with yourself, you should, better to have fought and lost... you know the story. But your fears take over, they destroy what you know for certain, you start doubting yourself, the doubt is the seed for all inaction... Fucking not cool, I don't even know what I am talking about, honestly I’ll just share a song with you guys, a song that I feel as my curse, something I can see only in special moments where I can trust myself so much and distrust what others show me... (If it doesn't make sense, well it does for those who know me, and if it doesn't for those I am sure I could convince you it does :P)

After dueling with the right music clip, I choose the one that has the lyric and shows less beyond it, but if you youtube it you might find different views for the song, if you know how to look...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The simple life...

Have you ever considered quitting your life? Not on the suicide kind of way, quit your state in life, start from scratch, but literally from scratch. Don't get me wrong I don't mean cut off your world from all others. But simple change your world, the things that are yours, you way of thinking, what you do, where you work, what you work on...
Now a days a do a kind of a joke, which is technically not a joke because I do consider it, what if I quit what I am doing (a PhD, but not only cut the being an engineer), and what defines me in society and become a fishermen. Like move to a small simple country, buy a hut, and become a fishermen, how cool would that be?
It doesn't have to be that, I could like do all I need to do and become a scuba instructor, and just give classes of that somewhere where life is simpler... Again how cool would that be?
No technology, which is quite curious since I work with technology, but also use it in my private life, in such a way that some of the shit I know I might have learned it from professional or private :P.
This sounds like a complain and it is far from it, I like technology, and I like solving problems, thus engineering is not a bad deal. But sometimes I crave for simplicity, the kind of work you don't think, just do, the kind of life from others, that you envision but can't bring yourself to live.
The meaning of doing something simple, and being happy doing it, feeling complete... Either by choice of not thinking or simply by clouded vision, or even being too busy to notice... The cool life of just living, thinking of today with no tomorrow in sight, simply because it will be the today of tomorrow.
The things that cross ones mind, and today is a huge day for me, been up since 7 AM and didn't went to bed early, so I’ll leave you with these thoughts to consider or not...

Monday, January 28, 2008

MP3 players

Today I’m talking of something not that relevant, still interesting, that I just re-experienced, and which I am sure will re-experience again.
Have you notice the extreme proliferation of MP3 and other sound devices in society. In Portugal I normally drive, so no big need for MP3 player since I have the car radio, in the UK I am a pedestrian as such I need some music to go from A to B. It is not something I think much about, simply before I leave the house I put on the MP3 player, it's like an extension, a need for entertainment while I walk, or ride the bus, or whatever. No problems so far, the thing is I notice that people talk less and less to each other, I mean the music is like a shield from everybody else (Don't get me wrong sometimes I really like the shield, namely when I meet someone I really don't want to talk to, still they always have a way to break the shield anyway :P).
Today I was getting on the bus and there were 2 other people there, which I am sure we might have a casual conversation, instead we waited for 15 minutes in the cold with head phones on. Not that I am against this, but people do complain that society is more distant, that people bond less, and that those bonds mean less.
The casual conversation in a plane or a train going somewhere, is slowly being killed by the head phones, and actually I meet some nice people in these situations, not people that you keep in touch, but simply an interaction, an exchange of ideas, a casual conversation about nothing to past the time.
I like music a lot, and I learn from it, study it (in a way), but the question still came to mind, aren't we giving up the opportunities of living by closing ourselves in our bubble with pre selected sound tracks and pre selected thoughts? Just a thought.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


The band, I was going to talk about being sick, but honestly I can't be bother, in a short sequence of words, body hurts, feel bad :P. Physical pain is hard but nowadays, one can really complain when he gets sick, with all the measures in place, rarely is something.
So I am listening to garbage, nothing new here, I did it before Christmas, but when my hard drive burned I kind of let it slip from memory. I did remember to include one on the Christmas CD (I record a CD every year and give it to some people).
Don't want to talk much, just have this song from the past that I choose to share, like the song of what I felt years ago... And the funny part is I still do... Time changes us, but does it change our feelings?
Anyways great beat, and WHEN I GROW UP I'LL TURN THE TABLES :P

Saturday, January 26, 2008


Since this blog is a pos New Year thing, I still haven't talked about the wonders of shopping, something that I think about in abundance around Christmas, and unfortunately a few other times throughout the year (in smaller manner :D).
As you know I am currently living in the UK, and here Saturday is like ant day out, what this means is all the ants go out from there hole towards... wait for it... wait for it... SHOPPING, I wonder what happens in people's brains to waste a day looking at shit, even when you need it, seriously it’s like they thrive on it and the more the merrier.
Today due to need, I went out of my hole against my better judgment, meet up some people in town although I was late, and this is the only situation where I couldn't care less about being late. Regardless of this, a curious episode happen, so I was searching for a ski jacket with Thomas, me no luck, but he found one that he liked a lot but a small problem, one of the zippers got recursively stuck. We went to try and solve it, bla bla bla, when he was thinking should I take it or not, 3 guys start following him, as soon as he puts it down, they where like wild animals that haven't ate in weeks. Honestly, WHAT THE FUCK, and they where guys, I mean how sad can you be.
Personally I hate shopping, if I do it for over two hours, I start sweating, really stressed, especially with a lot of people around, so I go for coffee, or whatever but being in a shopping environment for over a certain period of time is unthinkable.
Going back home I was thinking, do people really need that many stuff to fill up all shops in town, and notice it is not a special time, sales are almost over, no Christmas, what is the excuse?
I know about the bullshit (and don't take this word the wrong way, all is bullshit) that tells us we live in a consumers society, but the question remains, why is this?
I like to have stuff as much as the other guy, I like going for a new mobile, playing with, buy a good book, etc. This means I do shop, but I don't go shopping for the sake of finding something I’d like, it comes out of needs like, need to read something, or mobile is dead, or need a pair of jeans. This means nothing, so how come the streets are full, is everybody else so different?
The thing that concerns me more is, don't they have better things to do? It is like for some this is the only way to interact in society, to feel like they belong to something. I thought about this one ages ago, have we gone so deep into loneliness that shopping is a way to feel part of society, what goes through peoples heads? "At least I talk with the sales person!” I really hope not, this is way too sad.
It can also be the ant effect, the tendency to follow crowds, if everybody does it we should join. There are some studies that show this strange group effect behavior, where people willingly give up their individuality to act as a group. If that is the case, please, please, find a new group to follow...
Regardless of this, I have to report I haven't bought the stupid jacket, so I’ll have to pass another day of this misery, hopefully the ski will be worth it.
STOP SHOPPING for no reason, stay home watch a movie, you'll learn more...

Friday, January 25, 2008

The absence of thought

Today, I was certain of not having anything to say, I even discussed it with a friend, and as I did, I figured out, I could have a lot to say about different things (trust, fears, all sort of things). The thing is I don't want to talk about those, and sitting here with my music playing I realize the attempt to stop, the need to feel numb, the need to free myself from the constrains of being me.
To think is something I just take for granted, I mean we all do think, but I can say without modesty that I am a over thinker, it as always been part of me, and it is a big part of the definition of me.
The thing is lately I hate this, the curse of not being able to stop, the destine (fado) of being bound to who I am. And sitting here I figure through the thing I am bashing (my thoughts) that this is the problem, I feel so stuck to who I am, that the only reacting is numbness, at least I stop, all the things are still here, I know them, I can see them, but by standing still it is as if they aren't there anymore for the real world. If nobody sees it, is it really there? Philosophy is always present help on these issues that have no real answers, just real questions as answers.
So the irony, the absence of thought, the thought needs you to carry it through, if you don't, well like words if nobody says something there is always the chance it isn't there, but once someone spoke it, it is out there, and it exists. Thought can be the same, although we all know it is not, for the others there is no difference.
This is getting of track, I am actually wondering how to jump start myself, honestly I need to snap out of it and get back on track.
To live is not to see it in your head, but to make it happen, preferably as you see it in your head. Good solution, any thoughts on how to do it?

Linkin Park concert

Brilliant concert, I’m a huge Linkin Park fan, for me the are the greatest poets of modern age, combining the words with the right sound, the only sound possible, the one that matches the content of the lyrics. Unfortunately I forgot my camera, so not photos or videos from the concert.
Still I want to leave you with one of the first Linkin Park songs, the one most say doesn't really sound like Linkin Park, as for me it proves my point the right sound to match the lyric.

I choose the original but the live it has another magic, here is the lyric:

"My December"

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Numb day

Today I am writing this out of obligation really, no defined title, no direction, no destination, just putting some words together.
Not in a sharing thoughts mood, most of them are abstract thoughts today, so even if I was in that mood, I wouldn't be able to translate then into formal language. Talking about my day isn't really an option, because there is nothing to tell, a simple day where all seconds followed other seconds, nothing significant about it, to be fair not insignificant. A numb day (which should be the title), a day you do things, but with this inexistence mind set, where everything is without being. I can say I did wake up with the smell of something new, literally, but like I said not in a sharing mood :P.
To all of you who read this, for whatever reason, smells are quite intriguing and sometimes, just sometimes precede important events, although in this case, it was just something that I realized after waking up and make de smile, so kudos for that.
All in all, it is a day that makes me wonder about tomorrow, thus not a bad day, and tomorrow we'll see what it will bring...


What is this need to define things, where does this need to put labels on things comes from? Why do things have to be in some sort of classification to make sense? Why can't things just be, no definitions, no determinations, simply be...
This topic is quite interesting from my perspective and I haven't reached any valid conclusive conclusion :P, regardless I decided to ask the questions.
Why do we need to define ourselves? Not even going into validation from other people, but is this need to be able to say I am like this or like that. When we do it, condensing who we are into words, are we constricting who we really are? Aren't we all a work into process, with no clear definition, simply taking it as we go along? Clearly we need to define ourselves for our sanity, but why? I can dodge the question, we know how we are, even if we don't understand it, we simply are, and by adding words to this, we are just making the equation more complex and harder to handle, after all some of us like to keep a certain level of coherency.
This question is applied to everything, what is the need to define things that might happen, or describe how things are. Aren't we living without living on doing so, I mean think about it, its like you live it in your head before you actually experience it, we react based on the definitions and assumptions, we don't really experience things for what they are, the simplicity of being what it is, no definitions, and life would take care of the rest.
I wish I could see it, giving up this prison of words that define all and everything, binding us to a reality that we did not create, and that might not appropriate for us, even adding evolution, we are always a bit short for the whole equation, and far from really living things for what they are.
(I'll get back to this topic, today I am tired so this is it :P)

Monday, January 21, 2008

All is here, but where?

So today's post is my thought from yesterday evening, I have two topics I want to address, the window to fantasy world and really releasing this blog into the world, or my world. Both topics have to wait, today only this thought...
"In the darkness I see myself, staring at the me I’ve become, the one everybody sees, the one that can only truly become if the I lets it prevail. I am me, but who am I?" By Pedro Ferreira (aka the me inside the I)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Uptone beat

I'll start by saying today I’m going to be more upbeat, although this is a place for me to simply be, today I feel more intoned with the ones I care for, therefore I’ll write in a more, lets say how you see me kind of way.(Or how I present myself, argument works both ways :P)
Today I want to talk about the small moments of distraction in life, the moments that aren't part of the main story, the ones that don't define you in any way, but you are still present in them.
Like when you're down people have a tendency to try picking you up, if they care that is, getting you out, and making you breath fresh air. Like everyone else, I feel this is a pointless exercise; things are as they are, and putting them on hold doesn't really solve anything. When you are back in your room, with you thoughts, you still need to face yourself again. Still these moments, these fillers of your life, that connect the major dots, the big events, are part of you, and in my case a big part of me. It's when I make an unconscious difference, where I am more honest, where I play fewer games, where I forget to be myself, after all you are trying to be there, otherwise you are just stuck in your head... and that is another story.
Others do help, not directly, but in the way you see them, how you can be there, how you can help, even without their knowledge...
Once, not long ago, I’ve been told by one of the most important people in my life, don't take yourself out of the world, you have too much to give to it...
Honestly I know I am normally full of it, so this is one of those statements that goes straight to my ego, but honestly sometimes I don't see it, you need to be in the world to see it, to feel the world around you, to make it to the place that allows you to be there for others.
I don't have any problems around others; I don't hide behind a screen to talk about stuff, even though you might think so considering you are reading this. I don't like talking openly about myself, and I don't here, you get what you want to get, as in real life. (I do know in real life I make it harder, you have to real it want it, here it’s for free :P)
But I do have a unique perspective for life, might not be unique, perhaps unique in my reality, my world, and the worlds I reach. I know it is a valued view, and for that I have to feel grateful, to be able to touch so much... Anyway, I just want to state for those who care, I am here if you need me, I can pause my life at any time, sometimes I think my life is these pauses, these moments, these links between things that never come to be, at least for me...
I was about to write about the non upbeat stuff, so I am stopping my typing at least for now...

The scream

Have you ever screamed so loud feeling your brain smashed against the walls of your skull, feeling it might go out through the holes in your skull, a scream from the darkest part of your heart, from that place you don't know its there. Have you?
Today I was planning on talking about isolation, and if I was fair that was most of my day, yet I can't escape the most recent event as being the most relevant right now, tomorrow I am sure I’ll think differently. Regardless everything is intertwine, and as such I might talk about both, don't know if you noticed but I right this shit as it comes to me.
So today ended up at rock city, for those who don't know it, let's say it is an alternative place, with rock music. Funny just realized how this interconnects with the isolation, I wanted to talk about writing the blog, and its release to the outside world, although it is an open blog I haven't distributed the address widely... Not yet anyway, but I am getting ahead of myself.
The scream from the darkest place, surrounded by an aware crowd, that is simply their for their own selfish purposes, as am I, you feel a silence inside, like you are draining all out, your head is about to explode, you could stop but you choose not to, it hurts, physically emotionally? Who knows it simply hurts. The need to go further, beyond the pain, extended this scream, feel the words coming out of your mouth, the truth they reveal (Borrowing words from others, like I said before they are wiser ...) the pain they case, the realization of your physical limits, and how you can go beyond them with the right mind set.
You stop, only now you realized how much you stretched the limits, it hurts, but a good pain, a pain you deserve, that you cased and most importantly, a pain you accept.
I would like to say more but I can't today, it has been an immense day in my head I need a break from it, sorry for that, I’ll leave with twos borrowed quotes:
"All my life I’ve been searching for something
Something never comes, never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies, but I’m getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope"
"If I get any closer,
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on, I’ve got nothing to hide
On and on I’ve got nothing to hide
Hey, don’t let it go to waste
I love it but, I hate that taste"

Friday, January 18, 2008

9805 days

Today was struggling with the title for this post, don't know really what will come out of my fingers, its a kind of self typing post, except for the title, 9805 days lived by yours truly... 26 years, 10 months and 3 days. First don't freak out, I don't usually keep track of this shit, simply today was felt this need to quantify my life, seems like a good way to do it.
Every day is a chance to make a difference, I heard this once I think, I get lost in what are my words or someone else’s, regardless I’ll be reaching the big 10 000 soon, not even a year away, good time for a balance? Perhaps, but not today, maybe on that day, this day is about just writing about nothing, the void of the world...
The TV series of the moment, had a nice thought today, funny I was watching to forget about the world, like the window to the fantasy world of our heads. Everything is simple, their mistakes are so obvious, I wouldn't make them, and just like in football everybody has a comment.
Life is simple, if you are looking at someone else's life. People watch too much TV, or so I hear, and people wonder why, even if they do it themselves. Tell you why, in the world of the lonely, the window to the perfect is where I’ll be! But TV is not always perfect, well how perfect would it be if you where in there? Living that life? More perfect I’ll bet... (Note I am generalizing TV, OBVIOUSLY I MEAN A CERTAIN KIND OF TV)
To my point, this TV series had a nice input from a wise dude from which I didn't catch the name, but I didn't catch the exact quote either so...
In a world where everybody is alone, it would be very selfish to it alone. The feeling of being alone is maximized in a crowd, yet we crave for belonging, so we step into the crowd with the hopes of facing a new day with the chance to make a difference. All in all a pretty fucked up post.
Counting at least for the stats, and to say day 9806 maybe the day that makes the difference... Hope is in fact the last thing to go....

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The dive

Nothing deep about this topic, not even the dive :P. Anyways I just got back from my diving class, and I realized something quite intriguing...
Had a huge day, loads of conflicting thoughts about diverse topics, I was planning on going on about those, but instead I am going to talk about my dive. Pretty funny, how the thing that sounds less interesting gets the spot light, but still today is so.
You jump, suddenly you feel the water surround your body, your eyes wonder with the parade of chaotic bubbles all around you, and silence steps in...
The water raps your body in a cold yet comfortable layer that makes you realize your body, not just to know it is there, but you really feel it.
All your problems disappear; after all you need to focus, breath, go deeper, keep leveling the pressure...
At the bottom, you do your exercises in the silence of the water, not completely silent, but all the small noise of the world gone, and you realize that you are alone with yourself, yet there are people around you...
Your problems of the day are still with you, but in a calmer light, things have a different perspective, a more quiet approach slips in unnoticed, you find clear answers, without formalizing them, it just makes sense in the moment, for this instant...
The funny thing is you feel more protected under water, that outside, its like the water gives you the physical bubble that separates your thought from the world, your filters are no longer required... thus a clear view of how you really see things, what importance they have... You don't find answers, but you feel like you have them, and in a way we all know that we do...
You feel relaxed, alive, part of something, something that you feel, it gives you a bond to the physical world, a gateway for your thoughts to flow without complex scenarios, they are just part of it all, a nice balance to your own world I would say...
You get out, you feel your body rejecting the air, you feel the coldness of the absence of water surrounding you, relaxed yet so tired... Something everyone should try, at least once :).
(If it doesn't make sense... Well I am tired from the day... And the dive ;))

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Integrating two topics

Let’s see how it turns out...
So today walking to the university I had racing thoughts about mistakes, and the reasons behind them. Seems simple so far, and it was, but let describe some background information about this mistake business, for me that is. The mistakes that I am talking about are the ones you regret, but not like a wrong answer on an exam, or missing out on something that you’ll forget a week from now, no I mean the mistakes that haunt you at the end of the year, the ones you can’t forget, you can just avoid thinking about…
Last year I had two of these, considering my average is three, I was quite proud of myself, actually in the last 10 years it was the first time I had only 2, had 4 once really bad year :P.
So far so good right? Less mistakes means it was a better year? Well it was, but not because of the mistakes, but simply because I took more chances, and still lowered the mistake rate. This got me thinking; doesn’t taking chances theoretically increase the likelihood of a mistake? It does, I mean one can argue the famous quote “I only regret what I didn’t do”, but the fact that you didn’t do it, only increases your wondering about it, dreaming of the “what ifs”. You normally don’t regret what you didn’t do, because you don’t really know it, you just dream about the way you wish it was, which is fine and healthy. (This is not to say it doesn’t happen, I am just point out the flaw in the generalization of the quote)
So why was it a better year in terms of mistakes? Lucky? Perhaps, or just a wake up call for this mistakes issue.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I am so proud of this low mistake number. The fact is I target this during the year, not to do this number of mistakes, but the have a low number, playing scenarios in my head, decisions trees, predictions, probabilities, tests, endless tools at my disposal to a achieve this, is it any wonder the number is low? Maybe if I was an idiot, which I am not.
I see this is an extensive topic, since I haven’t reached one of my points yet, sorry for that.
Back to the point, so I wondered, where do these mechanisms come from, and why do I set them into place? (There are other reasons, yet for the connection to the other topic I will refrain from going else where)
Perhaps it’s defense mechanisms? Think about it, I anticipate life, just not to do a mistake, just not to feel that I did wrong, I don’t do it because it is how I feel, I do it because it is the logical scenario to play out, life is just a game, or so some say, I don’t go that far (I would need to deal with a lot of internal issues to state this), but it can be faced like that. The more detached from the game you are, the better at it you’ll become…(Going out of the direction I was aiming for…)
People’s defense mechanisms are what defines how complex the world sees us, the weaker they are, the simpler the person…(A nice quote from your truly :P)
This is already too extensive, so I wont go for the other topic, shame on me :P, I’ll just mention it, “Why do we shut out people using complex word games to throw them off?”.
Concluding on the mistakes part, I wish I could say I’ll take more chances, I mean after doing a speech this big, I should right? Well I always say, nobody changes by decree (“Ninguém muda por decreto”), and I am not an exception, I can adjust myself artificially while I have it present in my mind, but in time, this isn’t me, the real world is still a big treat… but this is for me, how is it for you?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The comment

Hey, so as promised today I’ll go back to a previous post due to a comment that deserves to be integrated into the thought line. Here it is:
"I don't agree that we're complaining about nothing. I'm not stupid, i realise there are millions of people in the world who are far far worse off than me...but everything is relative and our own problems are always going to be the most important problems in our lives. I think that comparing to others is a bad just makes me feel selfish for feeling bad, and then i feel even worse and even more depressed. i think putting my problems into perspective is pretty much the worst thing i can do..."
Firstly just want to point out this quote from my previous post, “The fact is our problems are always the biggest in the world, and we ignore when hurting other worlds, of other people who are in real pain. ", it should state: "The fact is our problems are always the biggest in the world, and we ignore when other worlds are hurting, of other people who are in real pain. ". The fact is we don't ignore other worlds because we are bad people, but pain has a way of catching your attention. Our mind works in a very curious way, think about it, if you cut yourself what will you think about? Like in a nice comedy I saw once, forgot which one, a guy is complaining that he cut himself and it hurts, another guy asks do you want the pain to your hand to stop? the guy goes yes, so the other guy shoots him in the leg, screaming in pain the one that got shoot ask are you fucking crazy, getting the answer your hand doesn't hurt anymore does it?
A funny way to look at something simple, you pay attention to the pain at hand, that one it hurts you, it would be bizarre if it wasn't like this, which might happen but that would be another story about higher morals and values...
Now towards the comment, why feel selfish? Because we are acting human? What is this need to be better than human? From the fact we are human :P...
Quite redundant, the question I open up is this, how do you move on from pain? fact is we get hurt, and we do move on, even if things remain the same, so how do we move on?(answer in the next lines :P)
I do agree with the comment, potentially feeling worst might happen when putting things in perspective, but the fact is, eventually it will have to happen, either with other people, or simply with parts of our own history, this is how you are able to rationalize things and move on. If you do this in balance, not too soon, so you give yourself the chance to hurt, but not too late, so you don't suffer more than what you have to. When the pain starts its impossible to even consider reasoning, you have a mourning period, and then you should give yourself the chance to put things in perspective, however you choose to do this...
Now, just not to disappoint people that have a certain image of me, if you hit rock bottom the only way is up, dealing with our human nature's flaws is better than dealing with your own pain, if you have no rabbits in your hat to make you get out of your hole. Sometimes destroying all views to your problems is the only way out, making yourself look ridiculous might be easier to deal with than the real indefinable problems of your own existence... or not...

Monday, January 14, 2008

Brilliant start for my week...

Today I was planning to talk about the comment to one of my posts, but the day's events made me reconsider that. So today I am talking about organization, of lack of in my case.
Right, so I’m one of these dudes that likes doing things from memory, meaning I save all the shit I need to do in my head. Normally it works, actually it works pretty well except when I save the wrong time for something important, as I did today, and then frustration steps in...
How hard can we be with ourselves? Personally, and regardless of compensating for it during the day, I am quite hard with myself, what sort of idiot misreads an email?
I know it happens to all of us, still I feel this anger towards myself, this need to make me better, after all I should know better shouldn't I?
This human spirit is a funny thing, you strive to be better, to reach perfection, or your conception of perfect, but knowing you won’t achieve it. I know this might happen again, and that knowledge only makes more pissed, or pissed off as they say in British :P.
Murphy's law if it can go wrong, it will go wrong, this is a basic principle, which I verified today, and I’m sure to verify it in the future.
How come we can't correct some things even after identifying what you did wrong? I know what you might say, you can use tools to avoid these things better, but in the end we all know that we will fail, we are only human right?
Honestly I want to say NO, but I know better... Ignorance is bliss... So why do I strive for more knowledge, fucking complexities of human life...
The events the throw your world of balance, right on the moment you are trying to rebalance it... Murphy again... You feel the frustration, knowing that it will pass, and once it does, you are bound to make the same mistake again... Fucking human nature...
I sometimes think this is a way recurrently excuse our flaws, especially on days like today, that I feel frustrated. I mean think about it, I failed, well I am only human. If I take it literally it can excuse practically anything, so seriously FUCK HUMAN NATURE, we are rational beings, when wrong our nature is just another obstacle to overcome... I'll try will you? (Fuck even here I allow for the failure possibility of being a human :P)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Borrowed day

Sitting in my room, looking at the walls, watching time pass, searching for answers, waiting for the trigger, a trigger for what, I wonder? Listening to the song I pause, try to find me in it...
"I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me"
Can't argue with this one... But who am I, knowing that I don't want to be anything other than me, who is me? Or as my English friend will correct me, who am I?
This one is not a helpful post, no great inside thoughts, just borrowing other people's words, for those who don't know me, I do this constantly. Borrowing other people's words, it is defensive; you say all you want without really saying a thing, with the bonus that others seem always wiser than me. I feel like sharing the lyric that inspired some of my new years resolutions, seems appropriate today...
"All you folks think you own my life
But you never made any sacrifice
Demons they are on my trail
I'm standing at the crossroads of hell
I look to the left I look to the right
There's hands that grab me on every side
All you folks think I got my price
At which I'll sell all that is mine
You think money rules when all else fails
Go sell your soul and keep your shell
I'm trying to protect what I keep inside
All the reasons why I live my life
Some say the devil be a mystical thing
I say the devil he a walking man
He a fool he a liar conjurer and a thief
He try to tell you what you need
Try to tell you what you need
Standing at the point
The road it cross you down
What is at your back
Which way do you turn
Who will come to find you first
Your devils or your gods
All you filks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to compromise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I'll save my soul save myself"
The crossroads of life, you can't stay indefinitely in them, you need to make choices, even by not making them.
Sorry for this post of, let’s say some insight into my thoughts of today, without using my thoughts. Borrowing words, sometimes give meaning to the void within ourselves, for a moment someone understands us, a perfect song towards finding the soundtrack of our lives, at least for a moment...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Complaining about nothing

The need to complain is something very common in my home country, from my experience abroad I would say it is not restricted to my country :P.
I have a strong notion that I shouldn't complain about my life, yet at times I feel the need to do it. Why is this I wonder? For me is the feeling of incompleteness, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, a good life, from anybody else's point of view I am doing great, so why don't I feel it?
Different people have different notions of a good life, while some of us might be happy with one type of cheese (yes another reference to the book "who moved my cheese"), even two, some of us aren't, and the fact there are more types out there makes our minds wonder of different tastes for life, never feeling really complete. The fact is we dream of the cheese to end this craving, to feel the void, and to be fair like in the book, the quest is also fun.
The trick is to know this, that we are in this quest, doesn't help us dealing with the need to complain, the need for someone else to validate our lack of happiness. I hate this thought, that we need to validate ourselves with others, yet it is the only way to get validation, otherwise you only have yourself to hold on to.
During today a thought came to my mind, I know it sounds simple, but still...
What if instead of complaining, we just lived, stop feeling sorry for ourselves. How? Simple try complaining to one who's life is really shit, some friends of mine went to Mozambique, for those who don't know is a country in Africa, they are medical doctors just graduated, and went for two weeks to help orphan kids, try telling these kids how bad you have it, how fucking depressing your life is. See how ridiculous you feel then. I did just by thinking about it today, a fucking joke, me complaining.
The fact is our problems are always the biggest in the world, and we ignore when hurting other worlds, of other people who are in real pain. I'm not minimizing our pain, because I do feel this incompleteness which drives me slowly into insanity.
As a smart person one needs to be able to separate realities, but sometimes looking through other perspectives does help to solve our problems, and see what really matters.
In the end only one question needs to be answered, what do you want out of life, but really really want?

Friday, January 11, 2008

The wasted day

Right, wasted day, always such a negative connotation to this sentence. The word waste is key for this, it can be defined in so many ways that you can only truly understand it in context, and what a context this is. The waste of a day, is something all pass through, smart or stupid, it goes to our existence as a being, beyond general personality characteristics, social standings, or even intellectual understandings. People waste time; a day is composed of time, so it is just a matter of time before you waste a day. Confused? Didn't think so.
So why does this happen? One has to wonder, is it because we are lazy bastards? Well that is true for some of us, if not all and some disguise it better than others :P.
The fact is I am having a wasted day, not because I have nothing to do, not because I didn't try to do it, simply couldn't do it. (Ok ok, I am not a firm believer of this, meaning this might be me excusing my laziness, still the argument continues :P)
Fact is, I couldn't be bother to set up anything, not even fun things, thus me writing in my blog at this hour on a Friday night :P. (The adding of not doing fun things helps in my defense not all about laziness, doesn't it? :P)
Do we sometimes feel the need to pause, before being ready to move forward? It does happen all major impacts to your life, you stop to pause for a bit, doesn't mean that its a day, sometimes it is a day, or a weak, or an hour, I do believe in the relativity of time, meaning time means different things for different people therefore its measure should cope with this.
But I don't think this is the case, I think we move forward because of the pause, as such it is not really a waste, in that sense waste also means different things for different people. If I play a computer game, I don't think it is a waste if I have fun doing it, my mom might disagree, as many of you who don't grasp the coolness of gaming :P.
This being said, the original question is still there, why the wasted day, which we know is wasted?
well funny thing about knowledge is that it changes, so in the future you might find that it isn't wasted time, you simply can't grasp the meaning yet, as such you find the only possible justification, it is a waste.(Sometimes I surprise even myself with these arguments :P)
What if you never find the reasons? Is it a waste then? well of course it is, as it was since the beginning, the ability to argue damages our liability towards ourselves, we find ways to trick ourselves into believing things that we know aren't true, but wished then as such.
Taking responsibility for a wasted day, I say this today, fuck it, next time I’ll try again not to waste it, hopefully if I fail, it won’t mean anything bad... as I hope today wont....
(As a counter, maybe this last part is just my frustration speaking out, you can always argue, cool isn't it? :P )

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Casualties of circumstance

Casualties of circumstance, seems a pretty straightforward topic, we all have been victims of circumstances, may that be on having to make decisions based on then, or just suffered the consequences of others doing the same.
This topic came into my mind after I meet a colleague of mine from the 5 grade to the 8 grade, she failed in the 8 grade and I moved along. We use to hang out in the same group of friends, even in the 9 grade; she was and is perfectly nice person. Yet I found myself the other day saying something I thought only old people say, "Uau it's been like 10 years since I last saw you", which made me realize how old I am, and I still think of myself as a kid. Regardless I got to thinking of how you lose track with people in life.
I know it is "normal" for that to happen, but come on normal? Why the fuck is it normal? People change, they move on, they meet other people, but still I couldn't help but feel this weirdness about the situation. I mean it is happen to me before, you see the people you haven't seen in a while (10 years was the first :P) and you always say stuff like “we should get together for a cup of coffee", but you never really pick up the phone to do so. Not because you don't want to, sometime latter you remember I should ask them for a cup of coffee, but because you didn’t do it straight away, you feel weird to invite them after some time. And when you see them again you feel guilty and it starts all over again. I mean, we can all see what we are doing, we don't like it, but keep on doing it, and the question is why?
Is it because we like to think of ourselves as good people and as such, we can't say that we made the decision of letting go of these people long ago? I mean it sounds harsh, but think about it, if you really wanted to keep in touch with them, wouldn't you be able to?
The strange thing is by not taking charge of this "decision" of ours, we are able to reassess the situation, people do change, and sometimes circumstances bring people back together, the "resurrection" of the casualties of circumstance. So don't be too hasty assuming that you let go of people ;P.
Still I wondered about all the casualties of circumstance in my life, and realized, fuck, a lot of great people... So here is my tribute to them, because I do feel that I shouldn’t have lost them, but I know in reason there was no other way. Things must be destroyed to open way for new things, it is hash but true, and this is not news for anybody, but still...

Thinking of this open the Pandora’s Box of extrapolation, what about the people that you keep beyond circumstances, the ones you go out of your way to keep in your world. The ones you want to keep beyond time itself, are those in jeopardy? Logically they are, but as humans we are not just cutting our loses, we fight against the inevitable, and strangely enough, with results.
The compromises we make towards this are nothing compared to the feeling of the rewards, sounds quite lame I admit, but doesn't make it any less real.

Finally I wanted to talk about a thought about circumstances.
When circumstances collide with our feelings, how do we deal with this? Ask yourself, reason vs. feelings, the age old battle for finding our true self. Thing is I am a men, or boy :P, of reason, I use it, and abuse it. But always to be able to validate what I feel :P. But that is me, thing is, sometimes it can't be done, what to do then? You can make yourself believe in logic, which is the weakness of logic, being so believable :P. But you know inside what is true. You can fight against the feelings accepting them as part of you, but not the whole you, after all you are so much more than just what you feel, right? You can say screw logic I feel what I feel dammed with the consequences, I’ll do what I feel is right. You can find other feelings to try and fight the feelings that go against the logic; this one is quite appealing I must say it combines logic and feelings, what can be more perfect? ... The truth? ... maybe ... guess most of us will never know, after all how many aren't scared of going against circumstances?? And of these, how long will they last fighting against the current?

P.S. - as this is a big post, I am relieving myself of writing another post :P

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Compromise towards sleep

Hey, so here's the thing, today's topic with be discussed tomorrow, it will be "Casualties of circumstance" if nothing overtakes tomorrow.
Regardless I got back to the UK today, meaning 4:30 am, so I am quite sleepy and tired from the trip. Never the less I want to state the symbolic action of change places, physically changing place that does help to give you some sense of movement, regardless of this being true or not. Sometimes one needs to trick one's own senses to release the constraint they sometimes pose.
Sorry for the short post but, I do have a lot to say, just not today....

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Abstract talks

Well this is an interesting topic for me, as I recur to abstract talking quite often, especially in delicate topics. I think it is a very simple way to talk about things without really talking, why would we put ourselves through hard situations if we can avoid them? Think about it, if you can get the same information without having to commit any of yourself in the process, why not? Indeed why, for me it is a clearly the safest approach to any hard conversation, and a way that allows you to rearrange your arguments in real time creating ways to get away from the topic at any time, after all it is obviously just abstract :P.
There is a problem with this, let's say tool, it becomes tricky to handle when your mind start to drift in the world of "what ifs". When you talk in abstract, chances are the other person will follow your lead, as such everything said is open to interpretation. Mostly we know what all means, and we can read it clearly, but when we wonder, things are that simple, you start second guessing yourself and that's when the shit hits the fan.
The more feelings you have in a abstract conversation, the more likely it is to fail. Don't get me wrong, you'll be able to finish it and get some conclusions. The problem is put to the test of time, these conclusions get weak and you second guess them, it can become a vicious cycle if you use this tool again.
The thing I really wanted to point out is the huge advantage of this when you trust your judgment, and don't get tricked by your own idealism.
Talking in abstract allow you to understand even yourself, without understanding a thing. Talk to everyone, and address no one, something we all understand without understanding anyone.
The comfort of knowing we agree, when in reality we might be agreeing upon different things.
Getting a clear conscious, without having to apologize, after all they got what we meant didn't they? :P
A tool that allows you to move on, without discussing the sordid details, and when applied with some distance of feelings, by bridging the gaps for ourselves we are able to achieve the comfort of our own views. Which in the end might be not exactly reality, but what is real anyway :P
That would be another story....

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Take your time to breath

Taking a walk by the ocean one can truly inhale the smell of the forces around, the ocean is an example of patient strength, not always calm but always patient. The coherence of the waves, not in strength or anger, which simple reflects the ocean’s mood, but their direction, always clear in a never ending attempt to reach the unreachable. Is it all in vain? I think they have their victories, like we say in Portugal, soft water hitting hard rock in time will go through the rock, but the wisdom of the waves is beyond this, they do what they feel it is right, what they are meant to do, in a clear simplicity of not overcomplicating their place in the world, and the result is pure beauty. A beauty for all the complex humans to appreciate in their quest for understanding their place in the world.

Take your time to find your way, breath and look around, learn from the past, live the present and hope for the future, things are as complex as you make them.

"Mais vale ser puta, ao menos pagam quando nos fodem"

Today watched the movie "Call Girl", a Portuguese movie for those of you that don't know it. This quote, or something along those lines caught my hear, a rough translation is "It’s better to be a whore, at least you get paid when you get fucked". This is one of those sentences that all idealists should hear, even if they won’t care much about it. It is a fact of life we all get fucked, like I say "Fudido, Fudido, é ser fudido sem fuder" or in English "what is really fucked, is to be fucked without fucking", which brings us to the quote from the movie, wouldn't it be better for us to accept money since we get the pain of the fuck?? Well I thing we like the moral high road too much to be this pragmatic, on one hand, and on the other hand it is good this is so, because once your principles go you would become a whore, but a cheap one :P. Once you lose what you hold valuable, your price goes down :P.
This brings me to a question, do you have a price? I know as a first answer everyone will jump at the word no. But think about it, not just money, what would it take for you to sell a bit of you? Much?? How about for all of you ;P
Anyway one good question came up today, how do you know that you like (I don't use the word love, so take the like some steps up from its normal English meaning) someone for sure? Not just the notion of them, or the routine of them. Well for me normally I can find tons of arguments to explain and justify why I like someone, but the fact is this is all bullshit, I mean think about it, you like someone and them you find the reasons to like them, I mean the reasons are true, but if it was as simple as making sense and capturing it in a few words, how valuable would it be?
Thing is we tend to complicate some things by over thinking things, trying to find reasons for what we are and feel, for what? Validation? Come on, I might be a romantic on this, and I emphasize ON THIS, but we should feel, and validate if you must, but don't question if this is the right cheese if it smells and tastes like it ;).

This is all for today, sorry again a late entry and a tired one ;P, after I get back to the UK, this should improve ;)

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Long days bring the complex and the simple toggether

Hey again, another day another story, or stories. So a shocker for everyone, it is possible to move even in fear, and the usual bullshit people say is that is simpler that it looks, you just need to start, well while I might agree with this in general, the so called "start" is not just a push, it takes more than that, inertia is a two edge sword. The start is hard, the momentum that that brings is quite scary, and the fact that you are scare without a safety net is quite a motivation to turn back, to the previous comfort zone. Although that ain't gonna happen it did cross my mind, the appeal for some cheese, even if its old does sound appealing, BUT, or better yet not but, I want it all ;P.
Once you start moving the ball, even without control, at least you have a sense of movement, which is a world of potential opening in front of you, quoting or semi quoting the cheese book, " when you face your fear, you feel free". I don't really agree with this one, but I do think you feel relived, not to mention the selfish reasons of knowing you did the right thing, you where courageous, and you feel it is not up to you anymore, like you did your thing.
(Which is not quite true, but you feel so for a while ;))
The right thing, weird concept, sometimes I feel we always know what it is, yet we find ways to divert us from doing it, quite weird really... But not today’s point.
Regardless, bullshit aside, face your fears and validate that you did it, make it a point not to leave loose ends, and possible ghosts around to haunt you in your "what ifs". This is something one might tend to overlook, after all you did so much by just facing your fear, only fiting you get some rest about all of it... WRONG, things will come back to bit you in the ass, think about it, how many things come back to your thoughts under the form of the sentence "what if?".

Now for the positive note, going out with old friends and reminiscing about the past, laugh about yourself, and other, that is quite priceless, simple moments of pure joy, with no rules, and labels, and etiquette, right or wrong, just talking bullshit and laughing. Simple things make you move on, being in the past, present or future, your sense of humor, your ability to laugh about yourself.
NEVER BECOME TO SERIOUS, I really feel this, growing up is fine, becoming serious is shit, keep a notion of who you are, and allow yourself to laugh about it, past, present and future.
Life is a series of simple things, you just need to find the humor in them... or not, I know, but today I want to put it like this, in all its cheesiness ;P.

Last note, I am fucking destroyed today, I wanted to say more, and more coherently, so I am sorry but I am keeping this alive, so I deserve a small tap on my shoulder for the effort ;)

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The more important your cheese is to you, the more you want to hold on to it

Hello again, another day another post. So today’s topic is a quote from the book "who moved my cheese", a sad realization but still quite true.
First I should introduce the concept of cheese from the book, for those that haven't read it yet, and I do hope you read it soon. Cheese is the symbol for what you wish the most, your goal, the things that make you happy in life. The thing is, my life has lots of different types of cheese, as does everyone else's, I expect, as a selfish being I sometimes tend to think I am different, when in fact probably I am not. Regardless it is funny how we try to find ways to hold on to our cheese, not the right time for a conversation, not enough time, I am probably exaggerating, there surely must be another way... and so on, funny thing is, we know these are excuses, and not even for the world, I find myself finding excuses to justify my actions to myself, which seems senseless. Fact is the next lesson in the book asks us "what would I do if I wasn't afraid?", this is the real reason behind all of the bullshit we come up to hold on to our cheese, FEAR, and fuck it is scary to think about what might happen to us if we loose the last portion of something we hold so dear. Isn't it just self preservation? Well it is and it isn't, something you can't face will never bring you your cheese, yet by not doing it you might have the constant hope of cheese, and never really getting it. If this is enough, for me it isn't, and as such I want something real and not some bullshit concept of cheese that I know in my heart is not enough, I want the whole cheese, actually I WANT ALL MY CHEESE, but I do need to deserve it, work for it, and complete myself in this trip, or fail trying...

Joke of the day and I swear it was quite natural, and I was kidding :P:
Me: Stupid woman driving doesn't know where to go.
Girl: Not woman, old woman.
Me: No I really meant woman :P
Girl: No, some women drive quite well.
Me: So? Some monkeys know how to count :P

Hope you enjoyed it ;)

the dentist

So here I am again on the follow up day, the real New Year, as I call it, since the New Year only starts on the second day after all the celebrations. At least for most.
Anyway one thing about me I should point out is the ability to stall, I haven't said anything yet and I already have loads of words, but you will get that over time...
So today’s lesson, or thought, or bullshit, you can choose the most appropriate for yourself.
The dentist, today I went to the dentist and realized something interesting, what does one think while sitting for half an hour in that chair, I had this thought while in the car, so I figured I could tailor my thought toward that moment. I couldn't have been more wrong, I did try to think about other things but my mind keep bringing me back to "what the fuck is he doing?" or "I know this is necessary but I fucking hate it" or even "when will it hurt". This expectation for pain is curious, even when it doesn't hurt one always expects it, like the dentist triggers in us our more basic reactions (This will be interesting when I speak about Who moved my cheese). Regardless of that I did thing about other things, it is funny how you can control your basic self once you are aware of it.
Now towards today’s point, today I did less that expected from my resolutions, and I found myself wondering why, maybe I think to much about it :P could be an answer, regardless I did go further. I think when you wake from a numb state there is a period that you know that you are numb, you are fully aware of yourself your situation and yet you can't move yet, and you try, and it doesn't work, but once you relax it comes back to you. This is something I think can be extrapolated to life, when you decide to move there is a moment of realization that you see it in your head before you can actually achieve it. I don't mean this as an excuse, so I am giving myself a hard time about it, I do think one should move as soon as possible after realizing that one must... and this one will... (I did do things just not as much as I intend :P)

Keeping it real or at least I hope I am :)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The first step

Day one,

The first day of 2008, a year of expected change, or perhaps not, dealing with expectations is always tricky, as such, lets just say one hopes for change.
I'm starting this blog toward nothing, and I do mean it literally :P
New year resolution, share more, search more, explore more, so this is my first step which I hope to follow through. The future post will tell, or their absence. :)