The sadness within...

There is a lurking sadness within us, the potential to feel down, some might say the dark potential of feeling down... It is an intrinsic part of who we are, in one way or the other, on some more evident than in others... Despite its dark and bad connotations, people's sadness is one of the biggest sources of inspiration, just think about how many sad songs have touch you in one form or another, and think about how many happy songs do you actually know... Sadness is bad, and yet we hold some sort of fascination for it, it is like it is something we don't like feeling but like staring at... We understand its beauty when we don't feel it, and when we do feel it? Well, then it consumes us... Old myths come to mind, the guy that flu too close to the sun... In reality we normally jump in and out of sadness, not in a controlled manor, but it is like there is on most of us a balance of how much we endure the sadness before we jump out of it... We find ways to comfort ourselves in it, normally using the results of sadness on others (music, poems, films...)... Sadness is something you feel at your core, it is always there, but sometimes it simply cannot be ignored... Or... Or...

Sadness is a modern invention for people with too much time to think about things that are simple... In fact depression is a form of permanent sadness only present to those who don't really have to fight for their survival... At the end of the day, you have within what you are, and nowadays can anybody that has access to this blog really say they are not the result of their society... Can anybody say beyond a reasonable doubt that they are not a mere result of modern times, modern living, modern cravings... We are what we choose to be, however that choice is very driven, and thus not really a choice... In the end I am one of these mere results, we the need to think I am special in some way or form, and thus feel the need to go to my sadness within to inspire the worst states where I come up with dark shit like this, that may or not make sense... Well at least I can write from the dark places in my head, good or bad, that is something....

Does Anything Happen at Random?

The other day I came across a very interesting talk about probability if you have time I definitely recommend it... You might see quite different ;)

Talking out loud...

I've been working heavily on my thesis, which drains me from writing in the blog. Nevertheless I thought I could talk to the blog, try to make a coherent text of my speech. This natural language to is quite interesting, however it's not very useful for writing a thesis since it requires a lot of rework after you dictate the content. Still quite useful for blogging since you don't really care to misspell something or if the logic is correct, or if it's in the right place. I have a backlog of posts that I wanted to write, I can't find it in the strength to do it, on the upside I did write the titles for them, so I won't forget to write them in the near future. I just want to say hi, still alive, still breathing at least, all in all not bad but feel that. It's funny how you can know that you aren't bad, but still feel like crap. A friend of mine told me yesterday that he doesn't read my blog because he feels it's too depressing, which might be true actually. But as the last event whatever frustrations of the day I have, plus not like I have that many followers anyway, hopefully I'm not making anybody depressed. If I am, well, you shouldn't feel depressed life is great, life is what you choose to do with it, and if you choose to do a PhD, well it's only for a few years. Now the rest of your life still happy and to be fair it's only the last year that really takes to energy out of you, until then actually quite a nice experience. Like I said I don't when really, find out what you want to do with your life and be happy, if you aren't happy that means that whatever you're doing is not right. So take a leap and change all I can say.

P.S.- Written using natural language, so might contain errors ;P

Writing a post in natural language

hello world, today I'm not writing but dictating to the computer and seeing what comes up. It is surprisingly quite accurate system and I've only trained it in the first instance. It is remarkable how far technology has come in and understanding the way we speak. Most people are not aware of the system and are not aware that they could use such a system, in fact I can see this as a great substitute for certain secretaries that do mostly nothing.

You just have to speak and give commands and this actually interprets everything like nicely. I'm not correcting it in on purpose so you seen the limitations of this software. In fact it's not done on the previous line had a problem but you can still understand the content of the message. And you have to still bear in mind that I only did the one training exercise in fact this has quite advanced exercises with very elaborate text. Another thing that you might consider is that I'm talking fluently and not spelling each word. Again it has some bugs but I'm quite impressed by the software if you're using a proper microphone. I have tried this in the past using a rubbish microphone and it didn't give me any results so don't underestimate the power of a good microphone. Hopefully all of this makes sense because I do not checking all the words that I've been ordering written.

This is just an interesting post for me, and it shows the potential of technology if you know how to use it. I think that that's one of the biggest limitations that our society has. Most people have no understanding of how to use technology or even have the smallest notion of its potential. So I find it quite remarkable that peoples still say that we to progress technologically, when in fact if we use the technology available to us right now we would be already in the far far future.

Thank you for listening, and in this case it's really listening because I haven't touched the keyboard ( well I mostly didn't but sometimes I spoke out of turn in the software product wrong, but hopefully it gives you a good impression on this software with minimum configurations to your voice and your speech).

"I believe in me"... (or do I?)

Bravely I look further than I see, knowing things I know I cannot be, not now... I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is and there's something right in front of me and I...

Touch the fingers of my hand and I wonder if it's me, holding on and on to theories of prosperity, someone who can promise me: "I believe in me"...

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be, time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me.
Nothing in this room but empty space, no me, no world, no mind, no face...

Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me, holding on and on to Love, what else is real?
A religion that appeals to me, "I believe in me"...

Can you turn me off for just a second, please, turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless, vacuum state of peace....

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... "I believe in me"...
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... "I believe in me"...

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own. I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now. I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real, and as long as you're in front of me then I'll watch the fingers of our hands and I'm grateful that it's me, holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... "I believe in me"...

What is harder, to write or to edit?

Well today I have a pragmatic topic, what is harder to write or to edit? Well, the immediate response is writing, but is it? Writing is very hard it is creating something from nothing, it requires a specific state of mind, creativity, inspiration, art... It is funny but writing is as much about art as it is about content.

Creative writing, this is what we need to produce when writing a thesis, at least in my field... It is as much as the way you tell the story as it is about the content. And I reach my point, the problem is writing is mostly about the content, the editing part is the one where you do the creative writing, restructure, cover holes in the story, put more content, shift things around, etc...

Funny enough, I think writing is harder, to start something is always harder than to change something that already exists (well maybe for programming with certain code this is not true :P). I have more respect for editors though, you don't need great inspiration, but you require a lot of art, and it takes longer than what you envision... In the end of the day, shaping something to look go can be harder than to create something...

I am a ideas men, this means I have loads of ideas about any given topic, when I writing I tend to have a lot of things in mind, and these things don't always transpire in the text. Thus, editing my things does take a lot of effort from me, and honestly I find it has hard as writing... But in a simpler way... Not sure this makes sense, but editing is as hard as writing but more straightforward, simpler, as writing is more complex but less caring...

Well  what is the moral of the story? Anything related to writing or editing is hard... Funny enough blogging is easy... I wonder if the difficulties are content related! ;) (everything is clearer for the things we like doing) ;)

The repulsor field...

Well as you may or may not know I am doing a PhD. I am in the writing up process, and I must say it is the worst part of the whole thing. It puts your self confidence, your intelligence, your coolness, your nerves, your emotional state (and for a guy to say emotional state bears as proof of this) to the test... And you inevitably FAIL the test. It is a marathon with good days, e.g. good km, but in the end you always break, you hit the wall like the marathon runners call it. The invisible wall that you feel is there but isn't... The wall of questioning why you are doing, why don't you quit, why doesn't it work, why doesn't it make sense (after all you wrote it), the series of why's that cause the seed of doubt...

I once thought I was one of the smartest persons in the world, well if you feel like that do a PhD... You will never say that again... It is a process that makes you lose yourself, what defines, you... I have no idea what I am doing any more... I am revising a chapter that my supervisor made comments on, and I feel utterly lost about it... "too descriptive", "too vague", "too much detail on simple concept", "not enough detail", and in the end I can't even read the content any more... It is a battle against an invisible wall, and you fight yourself, your feelings, your thoughts to do it, but this only makes it worst, and the feeling is enhanced you you ultimately feel like shit... And when you do, I promise you, smart is something you don't feel.

In the end of the day it is a humbling experience, but too destructive, at least this is what I feel now, people tell me after they finish that it is liberating and you are better built for dealing with the world... Honestly that for me is bullshit, but a PhD provides you with the basic tools to justify even the stupidest of things in order to make some sense given a set of conditions, that may or not be true :P...

In the end you listen to people saying, well doing a PhD was good because my reality is/was__________, but I can see why it wouldn't make sense IN ACTUAL REALITY ;P

And in case you think this is just me enjoy the PhD comics about the repulsor field, it is self explanatory....

The Catalyst, a long overdue Linkin Park post...

Hello world, so yesterday was not able to write anything because I was away, in a Linkin Park concert, which remind me of a lot, including the fact that I should have wrote something about one of my favourite bands new album.

But first let me say the concert was great, has any Linkin Park concert you feel the energy of the people around you, even in england where concerts tend to be a bit calmer... The concert had a big mix of songs, new, old, older, eldest :P. In fact I didn't actually realised until now that is has been more than 10 year that I am following this bands career, and connecting to their lyrics in one way or another. I have say for a while for me, Linkin Park are the one of the greatest poets of modern times... Their music does reflect the extra feeling that I think poets wish they could add to their creations...

OK, I am a big fan, so the hot topic is the new album, well hot and hard topic. To be honest I listen to it three times and I still have no opinion about it. It is not bad, but I can bring myself to say it is good, or anything else for that matter. It is simply different, like some sort of weird experiment, while there are some thing I really like it in, other I simply don't get. Because I am such a big fan of the band it is hard for me to just say it is not good, I think it is too experimental, to a certain extend it seems overworked, over thought. A proof of this is the music catalyst can be found on youtube the various versions, and some are better than the mix in the album. I feel the band doesn't want to be labelled as a certain style, but in the fight against this I feel they lost whatever made the perfect combination. Again brilliant poets, but the mix is lacking something to make it work. To be fair the single did grow on me so maybe the album will as well, I haven't been in the right mindset to give it more chances... So in conclusion a great band can always experiment a little, specially with a performance like this...

Feeling this song live does put it into perspective, in a way the band focus more on wider social problems instead of personal and individual ones. I am of a slip mind on this one, I think they should do what they feel is right, but without trying to be too activist about it, I think in the end of the day they should help people think and not direct people's thoughts. I think that is what made them great in older albums... Again not throwing a punch a that band, love them, but I think to the point and back to basics is better... I think we lose a lot if they don't, it is not for their sake I say this, but for our sake...

And again would not miss a Linkin Park concert, the amount of energy you feel and release, the purest trip across the last 10 years of my life where their music has been always present, and it provided the soundtrack for majority of major events... Well like Linkin Park said "It starts with..."

Even the smallest light shines in the dark...

This is one of those sentences that makes perfect sense but would rarely come to mind. I heard it once, in some lost movie or tv series, and thought "how true".

Well today this came to mind, has I was taking walk in the darkest part of my mind. It is funny that we normally use the dark tunnel metaphor for explain how we are in the dark, how we feel lost, disorientated, without a centre... And we say "I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel"... Well I have been saying this for quite some time, but in searching for the light at the end of the tunnel you seem to dismiss all the little lights that might give you comfort along the way. The tinny glimpses of light(hope), and you only focus on the fact that you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... Stop walking and make a light it will make you feel something different, maybe not better but at least feel something different.

The darkness path is long and hard, but there are always little things that will not be dark and cold, the question is how can we use them to make us feel better. At the end of the day, this all makes sense, but do we notice the tinny lights? We are just too focused on the dark, and even if for a instant we remember that even the smallest light shines in the dark, we quickly dismiss it and the dark engulfs us into total darkness...

There is no such thing as a free lunch...

Well another day, another story, was considering not even bothering, but I decided to share it with the world...

So I got a nice email, from Google saying that amoung other things "After reviewing our records, we've determined that your AdSense account poses a risk of generating invalid activity.", so translation no more ads for the Blog. There is an appeal which I am sure is there just for show, which I filed. In any case thank you for all who did support the Blog by clicking, on ads that you actually saw and therefore fulfilled the proposed for doing ads. A little bit of sarcasm considering I was given no specific reason for the cancellation, but then again had nothing to start with, have nothing to end with, net result is not negative :P

Well I thought this might be a way to fund my little dream, however how the saying goes "there is no such thing as a free lunch...", even if for a while you think it is free, in reality the carpet will always be pulled from under you feet. Live and learn, in some cases relearn...

I thought I restarted to write this blog for the purpose of supporting the dream, but I fact I like ranting about things, it gives me a bit of purpose in it self, and thus I'll keep on writing, even if I don't do anything towards making people read. So it is a see you latter for me and I guess a goodbye to the ads...

For those who supported the blog, a big THANK YOU, hopefully you found curious things in the ads, plus you made me smile, even if just for a short while...

Euromillions? Really....

Well in a day of very little to look forward for, a day spent in the constant struggle to keep sane, a day of pure pointlessness... Such a day is prone for feelings of what if... A day that makes you think, wouldn't it be nice that the so called God existed... That day, is the day where you look at Euromillion odds and think 76 275 360 to 1, yes sure I'll take those odds... ;P How? Well I figured out something that nobody has figured before, it is called the internet, I can just google for checking the probability and improve my chances ;P

Funny enough, at a certain point all of this makes sense, and you go what the hell, people win it, why not me? After all I am using the power of the statistics found all across the internet, surely I must be the only one doing it, otherwise there would be winners all the time ;P

Well I am ashamed to say it, but I am mocking myself in this post, because I did play the Euromillions despite that fact of being more likely to be hit by a lightning... I always wondered about this statistic, and because I have this awesome power of the internet I can say it is more likely for me to be hit by a lightning than win Euromillions (576 000 to 1), but more than that, it is more likely that the lightning strike will kill me (2 320 000 to 1). In fact looking at funny statistic it is more likely that I get canonized (20 000 000 to 1), which considering I do not believe in God, is a bit of a stretch... But still I said, what the heck, I'll bet a tenner on this, after all the odds do sound great on a day like today... Then again the possibility of reaching the light to those in the dark will always weight more, regardless of the odds. Hope pushes us to survive, even if to do so it makes us irrational... After all I am sure I have a good chance to win, or at least as good as anybody else ;P

The iProblem....

Yesterday I came across another iProblem... What is an iProblem, well it is a problem that is related to the existence of the iPhone, iPod, iTunes, iWhatever.... And its source? Apple, not the fruit of course ;P

So yesterday as I posted I really liked Rebecca Ferguson song on the x-factor, and I wanted to check it out. In the show they say it is on itunes, I thought, well I will check it out on their website. Went there and guess what? You need to install the stupid apple software to be able to even view the songs, let alone buy them. I don't want to install anything I just wanted a song.

I hate when people try to pin things on me that I don't want or need, just to get you to use their thing. This approach to business pisses me off, you should sell something the best you can do it and restricting is well, stupid. I know people like apple, it is pretty and simple, and I am fine with that... But the usability of other things should not be questioned, I mean can you imagine having an internet only for apple, and one only for microsoft?

Companies should realise that integration is good, and the fuckers at apple do good products but make you use their things only, it is a valid strategy, it is working for them, it is elitist and people I guess like that, but seriously world wake up this takes your ability to decide, and if it wasn't an integrated approach computers would still be in the stone ages, support an apple police change make them open up at least their services if not their products ;)

x-factor Rebecca Ferguson...

So today I did my couples night in for Saturday, that means watching the x-factor, it is interesting how couple life has its own pace, but that is material for another post...

Today I want to talk about a person that for me is by far the best on this show, her voice is simply unique, timeless, she'd be great in any country, any time, and although she gets great comments from the judges, how the fuck is it possible that they value other just for now so called potential artists. If Cher is the future, I want to live in the past, where you feel well I leave it for you to judge... I am not british, but I really don't understand this, if a world class artist does not win, well either they are visionaries or idiots. I guess time will tell but for now I leave with the great Rebecca Ferguson....

The Koran for Dummies (The Qur'an for Dummies)

So funny story I went to the book shop to buy a present for a friend of mine. I wanted to get the God Delusion so I went to the Religion section. I was browsing through the books, found all the book that try to refute the God Delusion ( that could be a interesting post :P), and continued all the books had very pale colours, saw the Qur'an and a couple of book later (5 to be exact) I saw a bright yellow book. I thought that looks like an out of place book, it looks like those books for programming for dummies.... Wait ... It is for dummies ... The Koran for dummies!!!! LOL, wel as you can imagine I had to share this, I mean what is it the koran for beginners, or how they say in online games noobs... "You start with this, and then you can move on to the more hardcore things", like the real book... Interestingly enough there was one for Christianity, and to write this post I found also one for islam....Whish makes me wonder, are they different? should they be.... Anyway here you have the link if you want to have a look ;)

Why/How to use Google Reader

So I've been updating my blog a little bit, and remembered the RSS access.

Well I think all people that use the internet have seen this name, if not the name at least the symbol for it. However what you might not know is what it is, or what it is for... If you want the real definition google it. In simple terms it allows us to get information when it is released. So instead of checking the news all the time, you can get the news once they are released.

How? Well for that we need a RSS client, meaning a program that allows us to subscribe to the feeds we want.

Well there are a lot of clients for RSS, some are built in to the browser the case of firefox, others are stand alone tools, or part of other tools like outlook. There is also the possibility of having a web client for these feeds which is google reader. Basically you have a web page that shows all of the feeds that you have subscribed.

I am a big google news user, google reader provides a similar type of experience but you define the sources. So for example if you like two or three newspapers, you can just add the link of the website to google reader and i will collect this information. How? Simple, you need a google account, any will work, your youtube, your email, blogger, whatever... You go to http://www.google.com/reader and log in to it.
Once you are logged in you press "add a subscription"

Once you do you can just put the address of your feed source, lets say http://towardsnothing.blogspot.com/ ;P

And that is it now every time I post something you will see it there, that is true for all blogs, or news you may want to add.

The idea is to give you control over your sources of information, putting it all in one place.

Google reader does more than just this, like you can share or make note on news, but lets keep it simple ;)

P.S.- There is a mobile version of the site http://www.google.com/reader/i/ it was clearly designed for the iPhone, but it works well on android, or any other mobile phone, plus as a tip you can add it to a side bar in firefox ;)

Broken... Or simply sleepy....

A day with followed by a sleepless night with a shitty meeting... I am at moment sitting in front of the computer screen as I so many times do, with some word flowing through my head... And because I am in a sharing mood, here you have them....

The Broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight. Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time, and I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts. I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out...

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain
there is healing in your name. I find meaning, so I'm holding on... I'm barely holding on to you.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head, I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead. I still see your reflection inside of my eyes, that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain
there is healing in your name. I find meaning, so I'm holding on... I'm barely holding on to you.

I'm hanging on another day just to see what, you will throw my way. I'm hanging on to the words you say, you said that I will, will be okay. The broken light on the free-way left me here alone, I may have lost my way now but I haven't forgotten my way home...

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain
there is healing in your name. I find meaning, so I'm holding on... I'm barely holding on to you.

So I am borrowing some words for my head, never said they where mine ;) This one of these songs I found in last.fm by playing the fray radio, and I must say it is brilliant... enjoy the sadness...

The creation process of an European project deliverable...

Today I had to focus all my energy into a document that despite being quite simple it is a pain to do. Which reminded me of doing a point by point list of the process of creation such types of documents...

The first step is to get the template for documents, European project are very paper driven and there are always templates, that is how the administrative people remain happy and feel useful ;P
Don't get me wrong they are useful, in fact all the paper trail is required by the commission so there we are for the first step...

Second step read the DoW, which is the cool term for Description of Work, of course don't read the whole thing, read the description for the deliverable in question, as well as possible description of interlinking components...

Third step, read all related prior deliverables and start making notes to refer to then on the new one. Some repetition is expected, since reviewers are not always aware of prior documents, in fact most of the times if they were aware it as long slipped their mind...

Fourth step, define the bullet points structure for your document, highlighting its objectives...

Fifth step, perform the state of the art review, this is only valid for academic partners, in the case of industrial partners just write whatever you see fit no one is going to tell you otherwise :P as for the academic, well state of the art review of the domain is expect, it is like we are suppose to be able to spit out a state of the art review as quickly as the industrialists do their descriptions. The funny thing is we can :P and if you can't you need to master the academic arts a bit better :P

Seven step identify the work you have to perform

Eight step minimise the work you have to perform to the needs of the industrial partners while emphasizing how much you are doing :P

Ninth step do the work. Strangely enough by this stage there should be 3 or 4 deliverables documents already submitted, with topics containing words like "preliminary", "base", "requirements", "architecture", "framework", etc :P

Tenth step, fill in the gaps of the document with the work emphasizing its academic side, so it is easier to turn into a paper :P

hope you enjoy this description on the inner workings of an academic view of European project deliverables :P

Good times...

Hello has you all know or not I have been heavily involved in running simulations using the JADE platform. Yesterday went to bed at 6 AM, and left it running... In the morning I got up and it had crashed stupid OutOfMemoryError... Anyway this post is not on the fucking platform although I should write a couple of posts on what I learned these past couple of days. Anyway woke up and had a mail from a friend of mine which I checked on my mobile. Came down stairs to the computer to find the failure and thought life is shit, "good times"... Please not that this should be taken as sarcastically as possible, but I felt that it was all so bad that might as well class it as "good times" and fuck it. I watched the movie Wall Street Money Never Sleeps, and loved two things one is suited to this feeling of today the other is just a nice curiosity. One of the characters of the movie answered "In the good days I am OK, in the bad days I am OK" to the question "how are you?". This fits to what I feel, meaning it is like being numb, you not bad per say, but are you really anything at all. Spoiler alert, don't read if you haven't watched the movie and intent to, the guy ends up killing himself, which made me wonder why? To feel something or simply because he couldn't face the world after his bank went bust. In my mind it was a bit of both, in the end it is always a bit of both. Fear of failure is a constant in my life nowadays, however this is a fear that is not present but you feel it lurking, waiting for the right failures, like OutOfMemoryError :P
Yesterday was also building up my music knowledge and this one caught my attention, it is from Augustana and it is called Twenty Years. The sound and the lyric, I mean just close your eyes, listen to the sound and feel the lyrics... I can tell you it is worth it..



As for the second aspect of the movie I liked it is the tulip bubble, how in the 16teen hundreds in Holand there was a tulip madness, where people would by one tulip bulb for the price of a house in front of the canal in Amsterdam. Seems unreal right? Well lets say we haven't learn anything from that story. All things in business are treated as bubbles, and one thing is for sure bubbles will burst, the question is when, and that's when people get rich... But remember, it is always at a cost of someone else... Seems like an obvious stupid system, then again we live with it so, like in computer science, the computer is as stupid as the person who programed it :P

As for the movie, it was alright not great, but definitely worth to watch specially if you like business aspects of the world :)...

doWait(200)

Today a quick post on agent programming, using jade. The importance of a small wait between threads, as you might know when you program an agent you can have parallel behaviours running at any given time, if you multiply this by the number of behaviour times the number of agents this means a your processor will only have time for the agent programs, in fact the add of a small time delay (less than 200 milliseconds)can actually improve the performance. Plus it has the added value of you being able to use the computer while running simulations that include several agents :P

Taking a breather is always good policy, and this applies to your code ;)

Another interesting thing I came across is the limitation of the DF agent in returning agents that do a service, it is limited to 100 answers. Well for most applications I guess it is not a problem, but when using the basis of swarm and wanting to trigger a specific type of agent, 100 agents doesn't seem that much. Anyway I had to make an agent that creates and launches to maintain the info, and pass it on request. Honestly after looking around online this was the best option.

Well JADE is one of my posts with more feedback, and since I am currently facing some problems there, well some posts on this might happen :P.

Plus it is always good to relate a doWait(200) whatever you are doing ;)

P.S.-Support the sailing dream please click on the ads ;)

The dream...

Hello world, the last posts have been dark and a bit down (maybe more than just a bit). I wanted to write about the dream for a while but simple haven't found the will to do so.

So what is the dream? Well the dream is to sail around the world in the foreseeable future. Seems vague, I know, but hey it is a dream strict time lines are complicated. Well I have been in love with the idea of sailing, despite the fact that I have only done it twice in a friends yatch... Still the idea fascinates me, specially while doing a PhD, I can not describe how being lost at sea would be better :P

As you may or may not know, I am currently living in the UK which ads another romantic notion for the sailing, leaving this country by boat would be something that I think would bring tears to my eyes...

The concept of being in the open sea, seeing the different places, places that you could not see except in this way, to discover the world for yourself, not just believe that is there... well dreams ;)

Add to this a girlfriend that jump at the thought of sailing (also doing PhD :P) and you have the stuff that makes your mind start the dreams :P

OK, you might be thinking I dream I could fly, doesn't make me closer to it :P Well true dreams are simply dreams unless you start putting things in motion to achieve them... Cliché I know, but clichés are clichés for a reason :P

To sail around the world one needs time, skills and money... The problems to achieve the dream, so the search began.

The first thing I thought a yacht is too expensive, which in reality it isn't for what it is, but still I am not what you might call rich, or even middle class. In reality I am middle class but I don't come from that background, which means all I have is what I earned. I am 29 and been in university for the last 11 years or so, with a small break of 6 months when I worked as a consultant. Don't get me wrong I get paid enough for the life I have, but it doesn't pay enough to save a lot. Added to the fact that I wasn't saving that much since I had no goal... Weird lesson to learn, save even if you don't know what for, when the time comes you can use it... On the other hand the time might never come so just enjoy life :P mixed feelings on this one :P

Anyway I was talking on yacht prices, second hand ones are reasonably cheap, however not sure if there are appropriate for the objective in mind. This brings us back to skills, as I had none guess what I did? I have been in university for 11 years that is a great hint :P I started to read about it, and found that actually it is not an unreasonable dream :)

After reading a bit, I found that there is a lot about sailing but not that much about sailing around the world, a lot on technical stuff, but not on logistics or practical stuff. It is weird, but I searched and read, and realised I should do a course, in fact I need it, not one but two courses that is the minimal for being able to sail around the world. A day-skipper course,and a off shore one. I thought good, I will be able to learn and also pose some questions for the aim I have. Now you might be thinking what about cost? Well strangely enough it is not more expensive than a car drivers licence, I already reserved my day-skipper for less than 300 pounds, which will be my Christmas present to myself :P

Before going back to cost, I want to talk about time, I am hopefully finishing my PhD in January, add to this my girlfriend finishing soon after, and we both are in the only time we can do this before we are old. If I start working and start a career, family, kids, only on my retirement I can do it. I figure people take a year off, so this could be my gap year. Right I am going ahead of myself. Sail around the world and taking only a year?

Well I had a project meeting in Germany the other day and me and one of the guys in the meeting started talking about this. Is immediate reaction was, do it, that he didn't and now he regrets it because he can only do it when is older, and some of his friend did it and took no more than 9 months, and it was a life change experience, and and and :P

I told me I really wanted to do it, and my girlfriend was also very keen, and he said look, don't be afraid in terms of career when you come back people will look at you as a person who goes for what he wants, and it will distinguish you from the crowd-

I thought the same, but to ear it from the guy responsible for a 6 million euro project, it does build you confidence a little bit ;)

So motivation, is not a problem, and I can't imagine of a better person to share this than my girlfriend, the ultimate non-romantic but most romantic trip :P

The big problem? Money, always the money, for sailing around the world from what I read it depends on your spending habits when you are near the cost, in the sea not money is need :P There isn't much info out there on this, but I read one guy that said 500 dollars a month is a good average sum, that is 6000 for a year, in pound less than 4k, which is doable. The price of ship, there is when it becomes tricky...

A new boat suitable for this would cost 60k, which is impossible to achieve, second hand one, well based on looks, since I have still much to learn, at least 20k, maybe more...

If you want to help it is as simple as pressing on the ads in this blog, the only reason I added then was to find alternatives sources to fund this dream project, I will keep updating on this, and making posts on the details of the course, the boat thoughts and finds, etc...

For me this is the dream the following song (plus girlfriend :P) plus the boat ;)





If you can just click on the ads every little bit helps ;)

Why not...

Hello world, its been a while since I posted anything... Well I told myself if I wanted to write I should do it on my PhD thesis instead of here. I must say I had th urge to write something here for a while, but also was a bit scared to put in to the logic of words some of my thoughts and feelings. Today I decided to d a check point, yesterday night while I couldn't sleep (again) I thought about the stupidity of the "don't" in my life, don't post, don't quit, don't dream, don't sleep, and guess what? I felt ridiculous. I feel like that at times, people should focus on what they do, regardless of don't do. For all the times we don't do something, means we are doing something else instead, which in fact might not be that useful anyway. Last night, i thought, instead of sleep, which I do a lot, but don't really consider it as doing anything. OK I guess this won't make sense to many of the readers, but it does for me.

Life is going, strangely enough the issues and complications of life that made me start this blog have all fundamentally changed. It is quite funny how much we change in 2 years, and how much our problems evolve. Yes I said evolve and not change, the problems didn't change in nature, but my focus has. How stupid is the human being when we act like the problem we have right now is always the worst one. This obviously means that our previous biggest problems are solved, but again our focus is on what we haven't done, and not on what we have done.

My work is my problem at the moment, this is quite strange for a person like me. I never really concerned myself too much with work or school, things simply went, and it never really presented a big problem. At times had to make choices, but always had plenty to choose from. Other aspects in my life were always a bit more complicated. Therefore my focus was always on that. Don't get me wrong I have other problems beside my work, however I have a full awareness on how to deal with them. Work well, it is funny really, I am now working as a researcher at the same time writing up my PhD. On one hand, I am this expert on the domain that is solving complex issues with industrial partners that really take my opinion on board, on the other side I am writing a thesis on the domain that makes me feel lost and insecure about the whole shit. On one side I can talk about the domain and how is needed and how, on the other I feel utterly insecure about my thesis. Talking with my supervisors about my thesis, I feel like I can do no right, it is like they don't get it, and I can't make them get it, on the other hand these people entrust me with a lot of other responsibilities which would seem I know something about this research world. It is just hard to maintain this two faces, the expert and the student, I guess I simply have to stick to what I think and move forward... However this could have bad consequences...

Consequences, fuck, I used to be the guy that couldn't care less, cool as Fonzie, as a friend used to say. I hate to feel like this, but of course I can't quit, I mean 4 years of my life, at least I have to try, summit something even if I fail... But enduring the process is not has easy as it might appear... Like another colleague told me about his viva (defense of thesis) " A few hours of shame, doctor for a lifetime", so I guess this is the process and I just have to endure it...

I will post something in the near future, promise to focus more on what I do and less on the don't do.

From a twisted depths...

From the inner depths of our soul comes the underlying truth of nothingness... Funny enough the sentence that resonates in those depths is a truth a came across on the early and more trouble phases of my adult life : " The point of life is either a lifeless point or a pointless life..."

Black old sun...

Ironic that I live in the UK and never posted about the black old sun... Well a topic more from the past then from the present, and yet today I found this just from surfing from video to video on youtube. Funny how we come upon things, seems all very random, and probably is, but leaves us always with a strange notion that it is not... I guess if you are searching for something without knowing, when you find it, well you will assume fate... Like reading a horoscope, you always find a way to apply those vague sentences in your life... But this is off topic.
Listen to this ...



In my eyes, in disposed,
In disguise:as no one knows
Hides the face Lies
The snake, the sun
In my disgrace
Boiling heat, Summer stench
'Neath the black
The sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you
Scream again

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Stuttering
Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A-walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send, Hell away
No one sings
Like you anymore

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come
Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

What did you feel? Nostalgia? Perhaps, at least for the older reader that grew up listening to this song... I feel stored pain, of past times, of things that the black old sun did wash away, things that my world thinks was washed away... It is funny to live in a way that even things that were washed away still linger in your existence, things that shape you, damage you, the things that ultimately define you... And yet, what you want is simply for this black old sun to come....

Enjoy the original:

To be a friend....

Well hello world, I thought about writing this post during this week but it was quite a busy week. No excuse but I still wanted to say it. Funny enough reading a blog from someone who made a comment on mine made me realise I should write it.
I like to give credit to a book I read some years back that talk about this topic, this is my view, but I can't really say I was not influenced by this view, so kudos for Miguel Esteves Cardoso.
That said, let's make a scenario, your best friend cheats on his girlfriend and you are confronted with this by a 3rd person saying how bad of a person he is. What do you do? Well the question is are you a real friend, or do you just use this word for no reason?
Morally I would say he is wrong, so if it was for another person I would probably say that, for a friend I would defend him, highlighting the circumstances and trying to justify it as reasonable. Never putting in question my friend. This is not to say I wouldn't tell him off, but the negatives I would only relay to him. This is the thing friends supply advice, but also support, as a friend I am bias, and I am proud to be bias. Saying stuff like "I am really his friend, but on that he is a prick" doesn't reveal a real friend in my view.
This is why you should be careful with the use of the word friend, most people you know are not friend just acquaintances, you should not make the border of this blurred, the risk is losing any notion of friendship. To be friends you need to know and trust the person, and accept them with their faults and qualities. Friends are the family that you choose, so choose wisely.
Ask yourself this question, do you trust the person to do stuff for them with now explanation? Well I would for a friend, ask the questions later...
This is not to say that friendship doesn't end, so if you feel that person is not your friend, do die trying to make it so... It is two ways, and you might carry some good feelings to the end of your life about someone that was your friend, sometimes to be a friend you need to let go...

As for the original trigger, of this post, this lyric which has more to it than a catchy chorus:

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star

Baby ?cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

When the sun shines, we?ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh)

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

When the sun shines, we?ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh)

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come here to me
There's no distance in between our love

So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

When the sun shines, we?ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh)

It's raining
Ooh baby it's raining
Baby come here to me
Come here to me

It's raining
Ooh baby it's raining
You can always come here to me
Come here to me

It?s pouring rain
It?s pouring rain
Come here to me
Come here to me

Here a different version :



and the original :P