Hello world, its been a while since I posted anything... Well I told myself if I wanted to write I should do it on my PhD thesis instead of here. I must say I had th urge to write something here for a while, but also was a bit scared to put in to the logic of words some of my thoughts and feelings. Today I decided to d a check point, yesterday night while I couldn't sleep (again) I thought about the stupidity of the "don't" in my life, don't post, don't quit, don't dream, don't sleep, and guess what? I felt ridiculous. I feel like that at times, people should focus on what they do, regardless of don't do. For all the times we don't do something, means we are doing something else instead, which in fact might not be that useful anyway. Last night, i thought, instead of sleep, which I do a lot, but don't really consider it as doing anything. OK I guess this won't make sense to many of the readers, but it does for me.
Life is going, strangely enough the issues and complications of life that made me start this blog have all fundamentally changed. It is quite funny how much we change in 2 years, and how much our problems evolve. Yes I said evolve and not change, the problems didn't change in nature, but my focus has. How stupid is the human being when we act like the problem we have right now is always the worst one. This obviously means that our previous biggest problems are solved, but again our focus is on what we haven't done, and not on what we have done.
My work is my problem at the moment, this is quite strange for a person like me. I never really concerned myself too much with work or school, things simply went, and it never really presented a big problem. At times had to make choices, but always had plenty to choose from. Other aspects in my life were always a bit more complicated. Therefore my focus was always on that. Don't get me wrong I have other problems beside my work, however I have a full awareness on how to deal with them. Work well, it is funny really, I am now working as a researcher at the same time writing up my PhD. On one hand, I am this expert on the domain that is solving complex issues with industrial partners that really take my opinion on board, on the other side I am writing a thesis on the domain that makes me feel lost and insecure about the whole shit. On one side I can talk about the domain and how is needed and how, on the other I feel utterly insecure about my thesis. Talking with my supervisors about my thesis, I feel like I can do no right, it is like they don't get it, and I can't make them get it, on the other hand these people entrust me with a lot of other responsibilities which would seem I know something about this research world. It is just hard to maintain this two faces, the expert and the student, I guess I simply have to stick to what I think and move forward... However this could have bad consequences...
Consequences, fuck, I used to be the guy that couldn't care less, cool as Fonzie, as a friend used to say. I hate to feel like this, but of course I can't quit, I mean 4 years of my life, at least I have to try, summit something even if I fail... But enduring the process is not has easy as it might appear... Like another colleague told me about his viva (defense of thesis) " A few hours of shame, doctor for a lifetime", so I guess this is the process and I just have to endure it...
I will post something in the near future, promise to focus more on what I do and less on the don't do.
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