Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Insomniac

Perhaps a miss use of this word, but I start with it and probably finish with it. I am feeling a strange unease, something disturbing me in my mind, yet it feels like a faint whisper that I can't really understand, like something I should clearly be able to see and yet eludes me in a concrete fashion. This sort of feeling is quite disturbing, so it is not that I can't sleep, I guess if I lay in my bed long enough I would sleep and once I am asleep, well I would only wake up either for a reason or because I have rested enough. Perhaps this is what I should do, and yet I thought of writing a bit, well this is not really true since I first read some posts of a blog very close to my heart. Nevertheless I am writing because it makes sense to try and make sense of my unease, normally at times like this I would dig and dissect all things in my head, all possibilities, probably would find some new solutions for some of the problems I have (although these might simply be interferences in other worlds, which I am trying to avoid in general). It is like I don't want to go to sleep because I have something to do, the only problem is I don't know what it is. This is rather pointless because I end up losing time, eventually giving up and going to sleep, but because I have things to do the next day, well I end up being tired for the whole day and yet when the time to go to bed comes again, well the cycle starts again.
BAhh, this is a quite frustrating feeling, not sure if I should just skip the sleep, read a bit perhaps, maybe see all the TV series I have in my queue, because honestly I don't see what I need to do, or what I could do at a time like this. The actions that could appease this are out of reach, and they would only comfort me thus the enigma of it all would still exist.
I am at times a troubled soul, and yet I don't see it now, but I feel a bit weird about it. Sounds idiotic I know but sometime we need to state things beyond logic to perhaps feel more human, more than simple logic, more than simple self. Perhaps it is just complicating the simple, perhaps this is just another ranting of a "very simple person in a very complex way" (one of my best quotes ever, truly awesome).
The Portugal trip is almost over, it seems more and more like my influence over the worlds here is rather reduced, not sure how this affects me, but I did intend for this in a way anyway. But I don't want to go there.
The right and wrong of things, the haziness of all the shades of grey is simply too clear to ignore. Honestly I feel lost in actions at times, knowing some things for sure doesn't help much, the devil is in the detail, there are so many ways to achieve our goals...
I am sure I want to be in Nottingham right now, but not really sure if for the same reasons that I wanted to be there before, perhaps it is this. I am not sure if you notice I am actually dissecting possibilities, which is not the point :P, sorry my mind is tricky to control, as such I'll force it to shut down, Goodnight you all...

2 comments:

Lek said...

to Insomniac.. in case you still can't sleep try read this " Insomnia" by Elizabeth Bishop (google it;p). I know that it's really not the same page with what you feel at all. As the matter of fact, totally different from your feeling, but i guess that some way it portray the mood of sleepless night, the feeling of hope behind the scene that is hopeless, the feelings deeper under the shadow of the moon, even though sometimes that depth can be shallow. I really don't know what to say in the respond of your post but honestly and frankly i can relate to it. that feeling of nothingness at the back of your head, while you close your eyes: the abstract that is so concrete. For me these kind of night has not come back for a while (yet), but for someone who is still being haunted by it - know this it would all be over soon!!!

i said...

6am on sunday almost dawn, haven't slept the whole night. Been trying to do some work and ended up procrasting doing this and that. Eventually not doing that much work after all :p so what actually is the point of me staying the whole night? I don't know. But the previous night I fell asleep while I was supposed to do some work made me feel a lot guiltier than tonight. Anyway, not trying to make any point here. In between my procrastination, I wrote random stuff. Below is one of them, I don't even know whether I am still making any sense at 6am without sleep.

...It hurts to consciously realise that something you are longing for will definitely lead you to nowhere. You know that you need to let go from the first time, but you simply didn’t. You somehow keep believing that through time things might change, either eventually change the way you want, change the way you think or even more drastically, change the current circumstances to the way you always wanted it to be. Okay..the last one is kind of a wishful thinking.

You don’t want to be hurt but somehow you managed to stand as an emotional masochist. Perhaps you are just scared that you ended up losing hope and feeling empty.

You can’t seem to rationalise why this is happening, can’t seem to unravel the hidden moral of the story, and keep repeating it over and over again in your head, you can’t even find the right words to describe your feelings anymore…. or you are just tired of doing it.

Then you finally decide to pretend that you are fine, that you are strong, that you are a rock, but you know you are not.

You don’t know what else to do rather than just to bear with it, and hope for…something or nothing.

xxi