The repulsor field...

Well as you may or may not know I am doing a PhD. I am in the writing up process, and I must say it is the worst part of the whole thing. It puts your self confidence, your intelligence, your coolness, your nerves, your emotional state (and for a guy to say emotional state bears as proof of this) to the test... And you inevitably FAIL the test. It is a marathon with good days, e.g. good km, but in the end you always break, you hit the wall like the marathon runners call it. The invisible wall that you feel is there but isn't... The wall of questioning why you are doing, why don't you quit, why doesn't it work, why doesn't it make sense (after all you wrote it), the series of why's that cause the seed of doubt...

I once thought I was one of the smartest persons in the world, well if you feel like that do a PhD... You will never say that again... It is a process that makes you lose yourself, what defines, you... I have no idea what I am doing any more... I am revising a chapter that my supervisor made comments on, and I feel utterly lost about it... "too descriptive", "too vague", "too much detail on simple concept", "not enough detail", and in the end I can't even read the content any more... It is a battle against an invisible wall, and you fight yourself, your feelings, your thoughts to do it, but this only makes it worst, and the feeling is enhanced you you ultimately feel like shit... And when you do, I promise you, smart is something you don't feel.

In the end of the day it is a humbling experience, but too destructive, at least this is what I feel now, people tell me after they finish that it is liberating and you are better built for dealing with the world... Honestly that for me is bullshit, but a PhD provides you with the basic tools to justify even the stupidest of things in order to make some sense given a set of conditions, that may or not be true :P...

In the end you listen to people saying, well doing a PhD was good because my reality is/was__________, but I can see why it wouldn't make sense IN ACTUAL REALITY ;P

And in case you think this is just me enjoy the PhD comics about the repulsor field, it is self explanatory....